Project Robinson Update
When I use to visit my family, every visit was tinged with an anxious “how much can I get done?” It was a race to the finish: how many friends can I visit; how much time can I spend with my family; how much of the house can I clean?
Around 2019, I started setting my own boundaries, as the more I could see my parents needed help, the more I offered, the more I butted heads with my mom, the less I could do. It’s a deeply layered process. That’s several years of therapy and other posts for different times.
Since Rocky passed, and now since Mom passed, the pressure of these visits, these questions and tasks weigh about 1000% more. What can I do for Dad? Physically in the house? Financially and in the world of Bureaucratic Bullshit? How do I take care of him while I take care of myself? There’s not much bandwidth here, or as I like to say, Brain Space. I’ve been stressed the fuck out since the shut down, really. I think I had a small, wonderful reprieve when I had that short time living with Nina. (My Bingo Card of Life Events is full).
I assume, Dear Reader, you know all this. Let’s get on with it already, shall we?
In 10 Days:
Dad and I watched 4 movies: The Fall Guy (delightful); Ghostbusters Frozen Empire (cute); The Magnificent Seven (Denzel’s Version - I’d seen it before & he loved it. Gorgeous work all around); the original Magnificent Seven (cuz why not? We loved the differences. We both zonked out)
With the help of 4 friends over 3 visits we accomplished: 3 visits to the e-waste folks in Hayward. 1 visit to Goodwill. 1 giant tent emptied, and a huge chunk of ivy decimated in the backyard. That resulted in 2 post to Hayward’s Buy Nothing where a bunch of Mom’s nifty craft 7 sewing stuff was picked up, and 2 women arguing and getting nasty with each other in said Buy Nothing group. Didn’t know fabric and craft shizz was like blood in the water.
Numerous friends offered to help, drove hundreds of miles, some were sad they couldn’t drive hundreds of miles, some had to back out at the list minute. Some sent a bit of cash. I got to one friend that I’ve talked to , but I hadn’t truly seen in years. It was so nice to bask in his presence, even though I was fighting against exhaustion just to be with him. One friend I flaked on, as I had to clear out all the Mom Stuff and unintentionally start a Buy Nothing Squabble.
I fell asleep around 8pm just about 4 times this last week and pretty much slept straight through for 9 hours.
Dad and I watched 4 month old kittens play and romp around the backyard while they were supervised by their mama. We saw their 2 baby daddies stop by and never start a fight. —— When I talk about a lack of Brain Space - this is primarily what I mean. I want to find someone to rescue these cats - foster them and get them new homes. TNR the ones that don’t want to be inside kids. But neither Dad or I have that time to devote to calls to find someone to trap them and take care of them, and we definitely don’t have the time to sit and wait to trap them ourselves. It sucks. But we can provide them with food and shelter. It’s the best we can do right now.
The best we can do right now. Letting things go. It’s hard. It’s so hard. I’m learning that I have to accept that Making a Dent - literally and figuratively - has to do. I’m getting better at it, yet I still feel like an utter failure. These past ten days I haven’t felt as much pressure, I didn’t feel as stressed out. I guess I was accepting that grace. Woot. But I gotta say, these last 24 hours, when I could feel how exhausted I was vs how much time I had left vs what I had left to do, that’s when the failure began to sink in. Even down to the last minute, I finally got to go through some of the mail Dad left for me and the forms I needed him to sign. ….. And as I type this out at the airport, I realize I didn’t pack them. My ride showed up, he had to get home and get back to work, and we had to fight traffic. Yeah….
Kay. Let’s see if we can get in some Show and Tell.
Project Robinson isn’t done yet. Won’t be for some time. But I definitely feel better for the progress we did get made. And I’m pretty sure that tomorrow, I’m gonna need a day to just sit and stare at the wall.